i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
