New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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