If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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