break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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