my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
