I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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