Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
