god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's shark week go big or go home
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
