I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
