I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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