One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
