I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Dicks are not precious.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize