Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
