Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
