guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
