How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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