Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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