Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
