You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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