Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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