I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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