Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
