Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
