'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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