She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
