I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
