smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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