I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.