Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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