Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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