Whod you bang
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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