your thong is hanging out like whoa
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
