my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
whose parrot is this?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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