Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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