sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So here I am, sexting at work.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
