Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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