mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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