meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
