I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
