Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
