Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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