hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
