giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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