Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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