OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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