Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
