Im at strip club and am horny
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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