you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
