That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
