the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
