Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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