Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
