I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
